Top monkeyology search terms via Google Analytics… you’re all very sick individuals.
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Monkey Search Terms
Category: Funny
hahaha
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How To Install Software In Robert
Total WTF search query in analytics: “how to install software in robert”
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Greatest Movie Insults
Warning: The above clip contains strong language.
This YouTube video has been making the rounds in the past 12 hours or so, I’ve seen it three separate times now, and enjoyed it just as many times. You’ll likely recognize many of them. It’s a great roundup. Enjoy.
I will get back to serious blog posts. Just not tonight.
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Sexing Up Your Towwwwwnnnn
This has internet meme written all over it. It might be the first time a YouTube comment provides some relevant context:
The first viewing, you wonder “what the hell”. Second viewing, you’re thinking “this is kinda funny”. Viewings 3-10, you know now this is hilarious. After 15-25 viewings, you wonder if you have a problem. 26-49 makes you appreciate the sociological undertones of Sex Robot. 50+ viewings and you recognize it as your new God.
Warning: It may get stuck in your head.
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Pull Over Before You Pull It Out
Jabra, the company known for their mobile headset did an interesting survey of driving distractions. We’ve all seen a ton of these in the media over the years, generally we know that pretty much everyone eats at least occasionally while driving (72%). We also know people talk on the phone. We know some even text while driving (28%). Some even play video games (5%). The winner however is this little gem:
29% of respondents admitted to kissing others while driving, whereas a smaller, but surprising number (15%) said they’ve performed sex or other sexual acts while driving.
How about a public safety campaign to help bring this closer to the number playing video games (5%). I propose the following slogan: “Pull over before you pull it out.” Poster designs welcome.
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Unnecessary How To Articles
wikiHow is an interesting site with some pretty informative pages. However it also has some things that are just outright amusing, questionable, or potentially capable of giving you a nosebleed if you try to read them.
I’ve went through many of them and found some of the hidden gems. Here are some of my favorites along with some colorful commentary:
- How to Give a Man Hug – There’s a lot of detail here. I almost feel like I need a cheat sheet. This is only the first link, it’s a downward spiral from here. You’ve been warned.
- How to Blend With Trekkies Socially – I’m curious how many have actually needed this article. I’d also like to know how many have actually wanted to.
- How to Get a Weird Nerd to Stop Following You (for Guys and Girls) – Speechless.
- How to Look Like Tina Turner for a Fancy Dress Party – Is this a common desire? Ladies? Please chime in.
- How to Find Locations to Wear Bikini when Summer Time Is Over – Is this a common desire ladies?
- How to Become a Philosopher – From Pluto to Plato in only 10 simple steps!
- How to Dress Like a Hippie – I’m guessing kids today couldn’t figure this out without Google.
- How to Brush Your Teeth in the Shower – How about get up 90 seconds earlier? Worst case mouthwash and a cup in an emergency.
- How to Get a Girl to Hate You – Who needs to read up on how to do this? Unless you’re Giacomo Casanova, getting people to hate you is one of the easiest things to do. Getting people to like you needs an article.
- How to Deal With a Boyfriend Who Is Obsessed With Your Butt – How to date Sir Mix-a-Lot.
- How to Deal With Having a Big Butt As a Teenager – I’m sure Jennifer Lopez, Jessica Biel had it rough too, and they survived without a how to article. For them it turned out to be an ass-et. [Haaa! I kill me].
- How to Work out Who You’ve Woken up Next to After a Heavy Night – This might also be the plot to the sequel to The Hangover.
- How to Tell if You Have Started Puberty (for Girls) – I was never a teenage girl, but I’m pretty sure most girls don’t need this. Possibly all.
- How to Give Yourself a Brazilian Wax – Here’s one I will never execute on. If I ever did, I’d hire a professional. This doesn’t seem like a DIY job.
- How to Pierce Your Own Penis – Ahhhhh. This better be some sort of sick joke. Do not attempt this. Ever. It shouldn’t be done period, and especially not DIY. There doesn’t seem to be a female equivalent for this. I guess they are more sensible.
- How to Hide An Erection – I’ll summarize: cover and think of something disgusting until it goes away.
- How to Get Baptized on Your Period – To quote “Let the blood flow. Hey, if God can turn the waters to blood, so can you” and “Roll with it. If the water becomes noticeably redder exclaim ‘The blood of Christ runs through me! Hallelujah!'”.
- How to Stop Staring at a Girl’s Boobs – It’s not that easy.
That concludes this tour of the Internet. I hope you had fun.
A 2008 blog post of mine with one of my favorite titles ever “Object Oriented Masturbation” has led to someone creating an Urban Dictionary entry. My official stance on this is that I find it amusing, and want to accelerate the adoption of this new term.
object-oriented masturbation
ob-jikt | o·ri·ent-ed | mas⋅tur⋅ba⋅tion
- the stimulation or manipulation of one’s own ego by way of using object-oriented code in places where it has no advantage instead resulting in unnecessary complication and bloat.
Spread the word and be sure to visit the Urban Dictionary term and give it the thumbs up. They sell merchandise with dictionary entries on it too if you want a mug.
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Victoria Secret – You Like This
I couldn’t resist posting this one. Apparently Victoria Secret has a free “limited edition” (with store purchase of course) panty with “you like this” printed on the back with a thumbs up, an obvious homage to Facebook.
Countdown to sexual harassment for unwanted “clicking” or “liking”? I’m sure some genius will get into trouble for that.
We could of course get into a debate over if it’s objectifying women, or just make jokes about how it’s “social” and “viral”. The parallels to privacy debate, etc. But as Sigmund Freud allegedly said “sometimes a cigar is just a cigar”1.
Before someone email’s me: yes, I posted the image and yes you can click for a full-sized one (you’re welcome). For the person who questions my judgment: It’s really no more mature than anything you’d see at a pool or beach. Grow up. For the person who is guaranteed to email asking where the original coupon is: you can find it here or here. Lastly, no, this isn’t the first time a butt has graced this blog, it’s the second time just this year.
[Hat Tip: Center Networks]
1. It’s attributed to him, but there’s no evidence he actually said it as far as I’m aware.
I rarely get into advertising or underwear on this blog but I had to share this one. It’s like a Miracle Bra… but for your butt.
I wonder if this booty POP trend will stick, or die quickly. I also wonder if it makes that popping sound when you put it on.
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Squirrel Monkeys + Jell-O = Fun
Take Squirrel Monkeys add Jell-O, and watch the fun!